Although this is clearly a ridiculous story, there is a contrary side to me that would welcome something similar here - if only to enjoy the spectacle of the Daily Mail collapsing under the sheer weight of its own rage & bile. Courtesy of a colleague at work (thanks Gav) a story from Australia about department store Santa's being censured over the use of the term 'Ho, Ho, Ho' in case it could be seen as derogatory to women. The recruitment company that supplied the Santa's suggested 'Ha, Ha, Ha' instead.
Where will it all end? I revisited Clement Clark Moore's 'T'was the night before Christmas' to see where else St Nick's liberal values could be found wanting.
"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads"
Given the ever-growing (sorry!) problem of childhood obesity are we really to sanction children actually dreaming about sugary foods. Jamie Oliver must be told and if we can't use some sort of electrode device to ensure children dream of root vegetables and nothing else (until they're 14 - all bets are off on dreams after that) then this country's in a bad way.
"When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick."
Now, this is a dilemma. Choosing 'eight tiny reindeer' to power his way round the earth rather than, say, an airbus A310 is not only commendable from an environmental point of view but it's also considerably more romantic. Leaving a carrot or two is simple; trying to source a couple of gallon of avgas on Christmas Eve is a challenge. However, the liberal-minded among us must pause at the cruelty implicit in forcing 8 reindeer to pull an overweight (more on that later) Russian saint and a shed load of toys around the earth. This not only undermines our efforts to treat animals ethically but it also tacitly endorses bullying (apparently Rudolph has lodged some sort of a complaint) and I'm sure there's some sort of EU directive that protects even reindeers from working on Christmas Eve/Day.
"As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot"
'Fur'? Once again we see a shamelessly cavalier attitude to animal welfare. Exactly what sort of fur isn't specified but given is aforementioned reliance on the animal kingdom for transport one would've thought he'd have been slightly more sensitive than to don the hide of Prancer's mother just to keep his ar*e warm. I'm sure Friends of the Earth sell functional and warm hemp-based overgarments in red and white.
"His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!"
'Nose like a cherry'? OK, it could be the cold but it could also be Aftershock and I know where my money's going. What's more he's been 'driving' and he's supposed to be an example to children! This just gets worse...
"He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself"
And there, in a nutshell, is the source of the childhood obesity epidemic - the conflation of jollity with being overweight surely isn't something we should be encouraging and given the mammoth task he has each year one would expect Santa to be leaner that his usual depiction anyway. Government should step in and insist that Santa must always be shown with a 'six-pack' stomach, fair-trade clothes, drinking skimmed goat's milk and then taking off in a biofuel-powered sleigh.
Where will it all end? I revisited Clement Clark Moore's 'T'was the night before Christmas' to see where else St Nick's liberal values could be found wanting.
"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads"
Given the ever-growing (sorry!) problem of childhood obesity are we really to sanction children actually dreaming about sugary foods. Jamie Oliver must be told and if we can't use some sort of electrode device to ensure children dream of root vegetables and nothing else (until they're 14 - all bets are off on dreams after that) then this country's in a bad way.
"When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick."
Now, this is a dilemma. Choosing 'eight tiny reindeer' to power his way round the earth rather than, say, an airbus A310 is not only commendable from an environmental point of view but it's also considerably more romantic. Leaving a carrot or two is simple; trying to source a couple of gallon of avgas on Christmas Eve is a challenge. However, the liberal-minded among us must pause at the cruelty implicit in forcing 8 reindeer to pull an overweight (more on that later) Russian saint and a shed load of toys around the earth. This not only undermines our efforts to treat animals ethically but it also tacitly endorses bullying (apparently Rudolph has lodged some sort of a complaint) and I'm sure there's some sort of EU directive that protects even reindeers from working on Christmas Eve/Day.
"As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot"
'Fur'? Once again we see a shamelessly cavalier attitude to animal welfare. Exactly what sort of fur isn't specified but given is aforementioned reliance on the animal kingdom for transport one would've thought he'd have been slightly more sensitive than to don the hide of Prancer's mother just to keep his ar*e warm. I'm sure Friends of the Earth sell functional and warm hemp-based overgarments in red and white.
"His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!"
'Nose like a cherry'? OK, it could be the cold but it could also be Aftershock and I know where my money's going. What's more he's been 'driving' and he's supposed to be an example to children! This just gets worse...
"He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself"
And there, in a nutshell, is the source of the childhood obesity epidemic - the conflation of jollity with being overweight surely isn't something we should be encouraging and given the mammoth task he has each year one would expect Santa to be leaner that his usual depiction anyway. Government should step in and insist that Santa must always be shown with a 'six-pack' stomach, fair-trade clothes, drinking skimmed goat's milk and then taking off in a biofuel-powered sleigh.
1 Comments:
'T'was the night before Christmas'
This should be banned now! I can sense sandal wearing bearded freaks going purple as I write.
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